Religion, Death and Comedy

OK I shall fill you in our day of disappointment and broken dreams in a later post but first I have recently been thinking about religion and atheism. I think this is because JJ is away visiting his father, who we thinking is dying, and thoughts of death inevitably lead to thoughts of what happens afterwards.

I am a humanist, a subsection of atheists which believe that, given that there is no god it is our responsibility to make life as good for ourselves and those around us as possible in the time we have available to us. Atheism with individual responsibly and a social conscience, if you will. I have, I freely admit, a somewhat biased view of those who subscribe to any of the major religions as my personal experience with a large majority (with several exceptions to the rule I admit) have been fairly dire.

Although I regard myself as a humanist, I have never had the slightest inclination of joining a humanist society or group as I am not a "joiner" but I have been reading bits and bobs from the British Humanist Association's website and for the most part have found it interesting and informative, if a bit stuffy and necessarily wishy-washy in some places.

With all this in mind, I was listening to a repeat of the "Now Show" on BBC7 while packing the dishwasher and, what should I hear, but Marcus Bridgestock holding forth on the major world religions. I laughed so hard, and applauded at one point, that tears were running down my face! This gem is not available after today unless they choose to reshow it again so I have decided to preserve it for all of you, christian, muslim, athestist, satanist, pagan, hindu alike.

"I'd like to start this week with a request and this one goes out to the followers of the three abrahamic religions, to the Muslims, the Christians and the Jews. It's just a little thing really, but do you think that, when you've finished smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you are doing it, do you think maybe the rest of us could, sort of, have our planet back?

"I wouldn't ask, but thing is, I'm starting to think there must be written in the special books each of you so enjoy referring to that tells you it's all right to behave like precious petulant pugnacious pricks. Forgive the alliteration but your persistent power mad punch-ups are pissing me off.

"It's mainly the extremists obviously, but not exclusively, it a lot of main stream believers as well. Let me give you an example, of what I am talking about, OK?

"Muslims. Listen up my bearded and veil-ied friends, calm down. OK? Stop blowing stuff up! Not everything that is said about you is an attack on the prophet Mohammad and Allah that need to end in the infidel being destroyed. Have a cup of tea, put on a Cat Stevens record, sit down and chill out. I mean seriously, what is wrong with a strongly worded letter to the Times?!

"Christians. You and your churches don't get to be millionaires, while other people have nothing at all. They are your bloody rules, either stick to them or abandon the faith. And stop persecuting and killing people you judge to be immoral. Oh and stop pretending you are celebrate as a cover up for being a gay or a nonce. Right that is two ticked off.

"Jews. I know you are God's "Chosen People", and the rest of us are just waddever, but when Israel behaves like a violent psychopathic bully and someone mentions it, that doesn't make then anti-Semitic and, for the record, you troubled history is not a licence to act with impunity now.

"So, when the letters come, and I'm guessing they will, I can guarantee that each one of those faiths will be utterly convinced that I have singled them out for special criticism : "Why did it have to be us, Islam is a peaceful faith!", "I don't see what is wrong with being Christian, we are a peaceful, loving faith", "How dare you, after all we have been through, we Jews know who terrible violence can be?!". You see, all of them will be convinced that they are the ones being picked on, the abrahamic faiths are like Scouscers, they are always convinced them have it 'arder than anyone else.

"Right, and why is it, that all of these faiths claim to be peaceful, when even the most fleeting glance at the history of warfare, will tell you otherwise. The relationship between religion and warfare is very similar to the relationship between Ant and Dec. You could have one without the other, but I not sure anyone would see the point.

"I wouldn't actually like it, but it would at least be refreshing to hear one of them come out and say "Of our faith is fighty as you like, we love a scrap, we do honestly, our special books says, fight, fight, fight, smash, destroy, fight, murder, kill and fight. That is why I signed up to be honest, I'm a bit naughty, know what I mean?" But no, all of them claim to be peaceful religions, yeah, peaceful right up to the point where someone takes something they think is theirs or says the wrong thing or looks at them funny, then it's fighty, smashy, kicky, punchy all the way.

"I know this will upset a lot of people and frankly I don't care, I am getting so sick of religious people screwing it up for the rest of us, please don't kill us, seriously, as far as I am concerned this is the only chance we get, when we die its all over. There are no virgins and pearly gates waiting for us, no big beardy man saying "Right so how do you think that went then? Um, bit mixed, er, oooh, killed a lot of people in my name I see, yes yes yes, not really what I had in mind actually, um, tell you what, have another go as a worm."

"While we are at it, I'm sick for religious people forcing their children to define themselves by their parent's faith. A four year old is no more a christian than a member of the Postal Workers Union. " We want a fair working wage, decent working conditions and time allotted to see the new transformers film", said a spokesman.

"This week Lydia Playfoot, who took Millais School in Horsham to the high court so she could wear jewelry to prove that she is staying a virgin for Jesus lost her case. Good. I'm glad. I don't care how many times her parents claim it was her idea, rules is rules and if you want to wear a ring that tells everyone that you aren't having sex, you can get married like the rest of us. Now, the lawyer for the chaste Miss Playfoot said a question the judge would have to answer was "What are the religious rights of school children in a school context?" Well, I'm no judge, not yet anyway, but if you want my opinion, none. No rights. No religious rights whatsoever. School's for learning, ok, if you want to have a little pray before maths so that God will prevent Mr Figgis from setting too hard a test, or prevent the PE teacher from being a colossal pervert, then go ahead, fill yer boots. If you want to pop on a feathered headdress and chant and mumble and sacrifice something, you can do that in your own time, or take a drama course and pretend it's art and get a degree in it, that's what I did.

"The lawyer, Mr Diamond argued "secular authorities cannot rule on religious truth". Hmm, well Mr Diamond, I am going to assume you are not related to the Niel Diamond, cos he rocks. Yes, I like Neil Diamond and Prince and I'm married, go figure.But my point is, religion truth is a foxy one because religion by its very nature doesn't tend to concern itself with truth, there simply isn't time for truth. By the time all the singing and candle lighting and toady and condemning and hiding from science is done, truth has given up and gone to the pub for a pint. Here's the truth, faith is about as interested in truth as I am in hanging out with Antony Worrel-thompson, i.e. not very.

Now I know that most religious folk are moderate and reasonable and tidy jumpers and eat cheese like real people, and on hearing this they will mainly feel pity for me, rather than issue a death sentence, but they have to accept that they are the power base for the butters. Without their passive support, the loonies in charge of these faiths would just be loonies, safely locked away and medicated. Somewhere nice, you know, with a view of some trees where they can claim they have a direct channel to god between sessions making tapestry drinks coasters, watching tellytubbies and talking about their days in the Hitler Youth.

"The ordinary faithful make these vicious tyrannical thugs what they are. See I get very angry that shows like big brother and celebrity *insert title of wretched show here* still fill our lives with vapid pointless emptiness and I wish the producers and the development executives would crawl back under the rocks they emerged from, but the truth is they sell stuff that people consume. Without the audience to prop it up, heat magazine and fundamentalist fanaticism goes away. Imagine what humanity might be capable of if we had that much spare time, we could explore space properly, have a decent look in the sea, find a cure for James Blunt, anything!

"Thank you very much, letters to the usual address." Followed by the biggest round of applause I have ever heard on the Now Show.

So basically, he said everything I had been thinking all week about religion and there was only one point that I disagreed with and that was his taste in music. BUT, and here is the thing, as a result I am not going to hate him, exclude him or tut in his general direction. I will merely disagree with him and wait eagerly for the next edition of the "Now Show".